The Art of Setting Boundaries

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As many of us are kind, caring & empathetic people who like to please others, having the confidence to stand up for ourselves and set limits can sometimes be challenging.
Enter Boundaries...
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Whether you're concerned with someones unacceptable behavior & treatment towards you, or heaven forbid ever in a potentially threatening situation, the setting of healthy boundaries can possibly be helpful in caring for and potentially protecting yourself.
They are indeed a form of wellness & self care as well as empowerment tool.

Boundaries are ground rules and protocol you make for yourself that establish what is acceptable in terms of how people treat you and behave in your presence. They are about Setting Limits, and when you make them, can help protect your space & territory whether it being emotional, mental, physical  as well as  digital from being crossed. They can be thought of almost like a border or barrier around you that is deemed by you as unacceptable for others to cross.

Setting healthy boundaries are about making choices that will best serve you (& often others), and making definitive lines that again, you will not allow others to violate & cross.
​In daily life setting them can be an empowering tool.

Sometimes, boundary setting and adhering to ones you've set is a matter of having the clarity as well as the self confidence & esteem to do so.
​Keeping in mid that you are not obligated to be obedient to someone else's wishes especially when you don't feel good about them is an important step towards feeling confident and not feeling guilty about setting & enforcing them.

​The process of setting boundaries can itself build self confidence & esteem. It can also be amazing for building mental fortitude & emotional strength as well as emotional intelligence because it often takes logical thinking & emotional discipline to put in place, enforce & sustain them.

There's an enormous amount of information that could be written regarding the setting of boundaries. Today i'll be sharing just a few basic tips.
For starters when considering setting boundaries for yourself, you may want to try something like This  :

In your journal, on a piece of paper, your computer, tablet or phone ...
1) Reflect On & Put Into Words what you need from your relationships to feel safe & healthy.

2) Then reflect on & put into words exactly what types of behavior Are & Are Not acceptable towards you and what you Will & Will Not tolerate from others.

The responses to these can be anything you see fit for yourself regarding how other people would treat you including their language, attitudes & tactile actions as they can include emotional, mental & physical areas. They can also include boundaries you'd like to set for yourself regarding social media.

If you're a person that likes to meditate, this would be a good opportunity to do so and reflect on these points. This can often bring clarity. Also just being in a quiet place alone to contemplate & get in touch with yourself regarding what is & isn't acceptable to you is often helpful, as your intuition is all knowing (Take a Look Here).

After listing your responses and once you have some clarity, look over your list and then :
3) Detail exactly what boundaries you see fit for yourself. Make them as simple & clear as possible. It could just be one to start or several. You can number them too.
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After listing  your chosen boundaries, it’s a good idea to remind yourself of them often to keep them fresh in your mind. If your list is in your journal or on your phone, tablet or computer, you can make a habit of reading & reminding yourself of them daily or several times a week. If they’re on a loose piece of paper, you can hang it somewhere so you will see it every day such as on your wall, mirror or refrigerator. 
If you have a vision board or somewhere you write & keep affirmations that would also be a good place you may want to hang or keep it. You can even be super creative & make an art (or music) project that lists your boundaries somewhere within the art work / song. Words incorporated in Art & Song often stick in your head more powerfully than otherwise. For instance if you put them to a melody ~ You can turn your Boundaries into an EarWorm !

In addition to what type of method you use to keep your boundaries in mind, you'd also want to attempt to stay true to them in daily life and not allow them to be compromised & crossed. This can sometimes be a challenge at least at first, especially if you're someone that doesn't like conflict and likes to please others. Many of us are conditioned to being this way of course.
​It can be very empowering and helpful in building esteem & confidence as well as protecting yourself  though if you're able to enforce them.
Again, keep in mind that you are not obligated to be kind to those that cross them.

In order for you to set & enforce your boundaries it may be necessary for you to be okay and at peace with the fact that in upholding them may have the consequence of potentially upsetting the perpetrator and you may need to distance yourself & or stop communicating with this person that continues to cross them depending on the situation. There is bound to be resistance when someone that is used to having their way with you is not able to any longer.
 
You can enforce your boundaries in several ways but one of the most simple & direct is just telling someone "No".
In his masterpiece of a Book “The Gift Of Fear” amazing human Gavin de Becker states:
“I encourage people to remember that No is a complete sentence”
I highly recommend that everyone read this book as it is beyond filled to the brim with priceless information and an absolute masterclass regarding the subject of intuition as well as all things related to predicting volatile situations & keeping yourself safe.

In a situation where your boundaries are being crossed, you can elaborate or explain yourself further if you so choose, but you don’t have to. As you are not obligated to and don’t owe someone treating you badly kind consideration or an explanation.
You’d usually want to uphold your boundaries in the calmest, non~volatile & most peaceful way possible.
Displaying confidence is always key though. 
You'd also want to speak with your body language,  so whatever you say will be need to be backed up by your having a confident posture & demeanor. 
This means to stand up tall with your shoulders back & head held high (No slouching or head drooping) and in a confident stance (feet at shoulder distance apart is helpful), as well as showing that you mean business with your facial expressions (serious/ stern but not angry) and again using a firm (assertive but Not aggressive or rude) voice. 
 Again, Confident Stance & Posture, Firm Facial Expression & Voice.

To wrap up this initial post on boundary setting, Here’s a little role playing Exercise/Drill you can try, to practice upholding an every day boundary. I simply call it “The Pushy Loop”...
You & a partner (whether it friend / family member etc) will be Role Playing...

>The Role of The Other Person is to come up with something to ask of you that you may not want to say Yes to.
They will  be repeating the same request to you, reframing it in different ways. They will be attempting to convince you to say "Yes" to their request, no matter how many times you tell them “No”.
So you will basically have them ask you, & then try to convince & talk you into doing something (whether reasonable or unreasonable) that you don’t want to do.
An example would be them trying to convince you to go out somewhere with a group of people you don’t want to go out with, or them asking you to babysit for them again. You can be creative with this...
Inform your partner that they need to be relentless in their pushiness & no matter how many times you keep saying “No” to their request, they have to continue to reframe their attempt to convince you to say Yes to them. Tell them they can use tactics such as guilting, shaming, spinning a situation, making you feel like a bad person, etc. to get you to say "Yes" to them.
Tell them to ask at least a dozen times.

>Your Role is to Uphold your Boundary.
No Matter how the other person is asking, framing & attempting to manipulate you into breaking your Boundary & responding to them with a Yes, Do Not Let Them.
It is your Role to Continue to Say "No" to them No Matter What they come at you with. You have set a boundary and are upholding it & being true to yourself and you will not  be guilted, shamed , bullied or otherwise.
Then switch roles with your partner & repeat the drill.

This drill can be really interesting & is really a great way to practice upholding a simple boundary & getting used to doing so and just saying “No” !

So That’s it for now..
Sure hope this introductory post was helpful regarding sharing some info &  ideas  on boundary setting !
I will be sharing much more in detail on this subject in future posts as there is a  whole lot to know !
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"If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you are talking to them nine more times than you wanted to.” 
​― Gavin de Becker

Disclaimer   
This blog, its content and any linked materials is presented and intended for informational purposes only. It is based on my personal experience and research only. It is Not a Substitute for Professional, Medical or Mental Health Advice or Treatment. Do not Disregard Professional/ Medical or Mental Health Advice, or delay in Seeking it because of something you have read in this blog, website or in Any linked material.